


Residents of Q-branch

by IAmTheAvengers



Category: James Bond (Craig movies), Skyfall (2012) - Fandom
Genre: BAMF Q, BAMF R, Gadgets, Gen, Lots of Tea, Q and Moneypenny are bros, Q gets a job as Q, Q has a thing for changing wallpaper, Q is addicted to tea, Tea, especially Earl Grey
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-17
Updated: 2016-03-27
Packaged: 2018-05-14 13:19:13
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 14,145
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5745331
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/IAmTheAvengers/pseuds/IAmTheAvengers
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>How the characters at Q-branch got their jobs starting, of course, with Q.</p><p>The characters tagged that are not in the James Bond films aren't necessarily their character but sometimes just have names stolen as well as sometimes also a bit of personality or looks. Just a warning! It does mean that you only really need to vaguely know James Bond and nothing else to understand what's going on!</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Q

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first James Bond fanfiction and my first fic on AO3 so be kind! It is unbeta'd so all mistakes are my own. Feel free to correct me if I make any errors but otherwise I hope you enjoy!

Everyone knew that the only way to be recruited into Q-branch was to hack some major system. Or anyone that mattered did, anyway. Of course, Q himself was the only one who ever hacked MI6 deep enough to change the standard screensaver to a picture of a unicorn which he found hilarious although the policemen who came to arrest him seemed fairly unimpressed. He had hacked the system plenty of times before without anyone noticing but where was the fun in that? He'd had some fun looking at people's files and making small unnoticeable changes but watching missions just made him realise how much he wanted to be the voice in the ear of the double-ohs, the one who supplied them with equipment and made sure that they didn't kill themselves. Again, in the case of some agents (looking at you Bond). By the time he finally changed that screensaver and lay the bait that guided them to him where he was using a cafe's free wifi he knew the ins and outs of MI6's technology and knew exactly where he needed to make changes. It was for this reason that he wasn't surprised when Tanner came in to interview him rather than one of the police officers who had arrested him. (He was quite pleased that he warranted four officers.) When not-yet-Q greeted Tanner by name, he just rolled his eyes and asked him, “What are you calling yourself?”  
He looked around, as if for inspiration. “How about...Jake? That’s quite generic.”  
"So Jake, you're the kid who changed my screensaver from what was quite a pleasing patriotic image to a picture of a unicorn?"  
Jake nodded. "I wouldn't go so far as pleasing. Consider it a favour. All I did was brighten your screens a bit."  
"I doubt that's all you did."  
"It's the only traceable thing."  
"So you admit to having done more? You know, I think we could probably put you in jail for quite a while for that."  
Jake nodded in agreement. "You could. But you won't. If you put me away I will reveal a couple of state secrets about, oh I don't know, Budapest? I doubt that would go down well."  
"What makes you think you'll get the chance to tell anyone?"  
"What makes you think I came here without prior planning?"  
Tanner looked startled for a moment and before bursting out laughing. After a couple of moments he stopped as though ordered but continued to laugh with his eyes. Jake noticed a small earpiece hidden in his ear.  
"I presume I am also talking to M? And perhaps also Miss Moneypenny?" Jake asked tapping at his own ear, despite it being slightly hidden beneath the nest that was his hair.  
The next time Tanner spoke Jake knew it was no longer him who was being addressed. "He's certainly got eyes M. It's more than can be said for Bond." There was a pause as Jake presumed M was speaking. "With all due respect ma'am, I hardly think it is necessary for me to hold my tongue." Another pause. "Okay I'll ask him." Jake felt Tanner's attention centre back on him. "To prove to M you know certain pieces of information, I'd like you to tell me everything you know about James Bond."  
One of Jake's eyebrows disappeared into his unruly fringe. "With all due respect, Tanner, 007's file is at least 2 megabytes of data in text alone along with hundreds of videos, photos and what appear to be some gifs. When you ask me to tell you everything I know about James Bond, you're going to have to be more specific."  
Tanner smiled up to the camera and said to M, "I hardly think this one's _lack_ of knowledge is going to be the issue." As he stood up to leave he asked Jake, "how long have you got?"  
"Oh I'm glad you realise there's a time limit," replied Jake. "Well by my watch, which is of course the only one that matters, you have," he studied his watch, "call it twenty minutes before I need to be back at that cafe."  
"So there's a location attached."  
"I believe that is what I just said."  
"And we're 15 minutes away from the cafe."  
"Five minutes, M," Jake said leaning over the table towards him. " Your options are fairly limited so I'd think quick."  
Tanner left the room swiftly, presumably to consult with M and Moneypenny. He came back in 2 minutes later and told him, "you're not being arrested so you can come and turn off the alert. However, we still aren't quite sure what to do with you. There'll be discussion while we drive."  
Jake stood up and nodded to Tanner. “Well I may have a few suggestions. Especially concerning your lack of a quartermaster.”  
Tanner was already out of the room by then and didn’t bother to deign this comment with a reply so Jake just shrugged for the camera and followed.  
In the car, Jake suggested what had been on his mind. “You need a quartermaster and I know how to improve the technology at MI6. Hire me.”  
“Not very subtle, Jake.”  
“You need me.”  
“We’re doing fine without you.”  
“You’d be better with.”  
Tanner sighed. Jake obviously knew what he was talking about. “What kind of changes would you implement?”  
Jake seemed prepared for this question. “Upgrade your firewalls to make you unhackable, personalise agents' guns to have palm recognition so that a gun can’t be used against its own agent. Stuff like that. Basic things.”  
“You’d need people working with you. That would cost a lot.”  
“I could make savings in lots of places. For example, I could use the money currently being embezzled by some high-ups to pay for some staff.”  
“You know who’s doing it?”  
“Of course I do. I’ve been into the heart of your system and it’s not looking pretty.”  
Tanner knew when he was outmatched. He sighed. “We’ll take you to the cafe and then to the MI6 building,” he told Jake before quickly adding, “this does not mean you’re getting the job. It just means you’ve got an interview.”  
Jake knew he was the only candidate otherwise he would have applied properly. He smiled to himself because they both knew he was getting the job. “We could go straight to MI6,” he told Tanner.  
Tanner looked at him, confused. “But, the tracker…” then he realised, “it doesn’t matter because you can fake your location.”  
“Well done, Tanner. You obviously know a bit about my skills. Now if I could have my laptop.” Tanner passed him the laptop and Jake was quickly tapping away. “There,” he said after a minute or so. “Let’s go give me a job.” Tanner rolled his eyes but said nothing. Jake had manipulated this whole thing and it had worked perfectly.  
M had been highly impressed with him although she did her best not to show it. He sat down to start building their backup bunker which he felt they would need soon, especially as this building was not built to incorporate a research and development department. _Finally_ , thought Q, _I can build up Britain._


	2. R

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Someone tries to hack Q-branch and Q is bored.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you are enjoying this. I'm trying to post fairly regularly so you don't have to wait too long. I have an awesome friend who made me a Q-Branch pillow which I love. Essentially she's feeding off of my love of Ben Whishaw. Anyway, enjoy this chapter and do leave a comment and I should reply.

R was the first that Q found to be a worthy opponent. Q was listening in on a mission but, from what he could tell, the mission at the moment just involved a double-oh agent sleeping with someone. Loudly. Unfortunately, he had to keep the comms on just in case the agent needed something. But it didn’t mean he couldn’t do something else. And whilst Q had fixed the holes in MI6’s security, there were some harmless holes as bait for a skilled hacker. And that skilled hacker had chosen now to attack. To be fair to them, were he not so observant and online at the time, he may not have noticed the fact that someone was trying to hack the system. This hacker was clever, as in, almost on his level clever. They managed to get in without notifying any of the alerts he had set up. He could block this hacker, of course, but his only active agent at the moment was 009 who was still exercising all of his skills in the bedroom and probably didn’t need any help in this area. Especially from his quartermaster.  
So instead Q decided to challenge himself by simultaneously keeping this hacker out of his systems and hacking the system they were operating from. He didn’t know how long he spent on this task, but he did soon realise that on the other side of the screen lay someone almost as good as him and in the end he was forced to close down the other’s systems in order to stop them. Whilst the systems were down, he send a stream of commands that worked as the pc was starting up, meaning that the woman on the other side of the screen was mildly surprised to find a job offer as her new background when her computer finally restarted. She emailed the address and was integrated into MI6 slightly slower than Q, seeing as she came from Scotland, as the new R.

It turned out that Q was not the only one to recreationally hack MI6. R prided herself on being able to hack most systems. Unfortunately, since a new Q had been found for MI6, she had found it slightly harder to hack in. She was working slowly but steadily on the problem, because that’s all it was to her, and if Q hadn’t been on duty that night, she probably would have wormed her way into the MI6 system once and for all. It wasn’t too bad working at MI6, but it did mean that she had to keep on this side of the law. Q kept an eye on her to start with, but then he let her loose with some of her own projects. She was the reason that 005 had a whole makeup set that all doubled as weapons. She was also the reason 007’s gun still worked when he had blood pouring out of his hand-she’d introduced DNA testing as back up to the palm print recognition which she was very proud of.

When R arrived to find that Q was trying to manage a whole branch by himself she was impressed but also slightly annoyed, firstly at MI6 for not giving him extra agents but then at him when she realised he’d turned down their offer. It didn’t help anyone to have a quartermaster who hadn’t slept in three days because he was too busy dealing with everything remotely technological at MI6. She immediately forced him to hire extra people, if only temporarily whilst he found other, better people. She also convinced M (no one knew how she even got an appointment with him) that Q-branch didn’t double as an IT department and that they couldn’t be expected to kit out agents with heavy explosives whilst also having to show someone how to access the internet on their new computer because they were born in the stone age. Her words. That day Q found a very smug email from R on his computer explaining how MI6 had now given him permission to sleep. He just replied with a poop emoji. But everyone realised how much help R really was. Q just hoped he could find some more people like her to complete Q-branch because, however much they tried, the current employees weren’t quite enough.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Leave me a comment!


	3. Annie

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Someone is hiding listening bugs in the coffee beans of various secret agencies and Q wants to find out who. So he can hire them, naturally.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to everyone who has commented/left kudos so far. Hopefully I managed to find all of my mistakes because I looked back over it and apparently I can't type! Enjoy some coffee beans!

**The Pentagon, Virginia**  
There was something wrong with the coffee. That was the first thing Walter on the front desk thought when he took his first sip. On the second sip he thought he could taste metal and on the third he decided to make himself a new cup of coffee. However, upon pouring his failed cup of coffee down the sink, he noticed a small bit of frazzled metal which he quickly retrieved before it went down the plug hole. Walter sent it in an envelope to the tech department and the next day all American secret services were sent an email warning them about listening bugs in the coffee beans. Someone, somewhere had managed to get these bugs into the Pentagon without alerting security. The last batch of coffee beans had been delivered last month and Walter had used the last of them for his cup of coffee the morning before. This meant that someone had been listening in on their conversations for the last month. Understandably the American secret service were appalled and baffled and it was all they could do to keep it from the press.

 **MI6 headquarters, London**  
Q wasn’t authorised to access the American’s secret files. But what was the point in being one the top hackers in the world if you couldn’t have a peek at a few foreign state secrets. And finding out about the coffee scandal did help MI6. He immediately forwarded the information to M who, to her credit, barely complained about the lack of legality of him finding the information. She asked him to look into it but there were no previous similar cases so he just upped the security on coffee bean imports into MI6. It was lucky he’d found the information from the Americans because the next week a crate of coffee beans was scanned and was found to contain fifteen tiny chips, better hidden than the last, unnoticeable on a metal detector and only found because of Q’s newly installed x-ray. Instead of destroying the chips, they were handed over to Q who gave fourteen to R to analyse and the other one he talked to. “Hello, there. Please keep listening. I assume you’re listening to this at least to check the reception and work out any other faults especially as this doesn’t exactly feel like an attack on MI6. If you want I can tell you how we managed to find your bugs. You’re probably wondering who I am as well so let me introduce myself as the quartermaster of MI6. If you want a job here and a load of resources to improve your highly impressive bug, meet me somewhere. I’m assuming there’s no two way communication on this thing?” he paused to check his hypothesis. “Okay then. If you’re listening, and I sincerely hope you are, follow the following directions to a cafe in London. It’s quite a busy place and I’ll only bring one friend along so you’ll be safe.” He then proceeded to direct the listener to his second favourite cafe in London and the one which served the best coffee. “I’ll be there next Monday between 12pm and 1pm. If you show up, we can talk and I’ll give you some advice. If you don’t, well I’ll just enjoy a nice cup of coffee with a friend. Hope to see you then.” He left his office and was about to hand the bean over to R when he heard a quiet, “see you,” come from it. He smiled and placed it on the small pile of beans she hadn’t yet dissected.  
“How’s it going, R?” he asked her.  
She looked up from the bug and he heard her back crack as she straightened. “Getting there,” she replied in her Scottish lilt. “I’ll send you a report later unless you want to talk somewhere else,” she nodded at the beans.  
“Good point. Talk in my office?” He walked towards his office and she followed him in. They closed his door and sat down. She sighed and told him, “They’re really good. Whoever made them knows what they’re doing and the refinements from the American job are exactly what was needed. If you hadn’t installed the x-ray machine, we would never have found them. The metal is too small for the metal detector to find and somehow they’ve made it so it dissolves in hot water.”  
“They sound like exactly what we need.”  
“And that’s why you’re going to hire them.”  
Q looked up suddenly. “Who said I was hiring anyone?”  
R looked at him steadily and said, “you need people who know how to design agents' hardware and this person essentially just sent you a prototype. Of course you’re going to meet with them. Who’re you taking with you?”  
Q had realised by now that R could predict him quite easily so he didn’t bother looking surprised. “I was just going to take a random Q-Branch employee.”  
“Do you not have any sense of self preservation? You can take Moneypenny. I’m sure M can spare her for-when are you meeting this person?”  
“Next Monday. Sometime between twelve and one.”  
“Where?”  
“Cafe on the high street.”  
“Okay. Do you want to email Moneypenny or shall I?”  
“I need to talk to M anyway so I’ll talk to her then.”  
“Okay. I’ll carry on analysing the beans.” She laughed. “You know, when they asked me in school, ‘where do you see yourself in 10 years?’ I never gave the answer, ‘analysing coffee beans for MI6.’” Then she stood up. “Laters, quartermaster. And stay safe.”  
“Until later, R”

 **The cafe, London**  
Q sat in the corner of the cafe with a window on his left and Eve Moneypenny on his right with an empty seat opposite. On the table was his laptop which he was furiously tapping at for CCTV footage from the area and a cup of coffee which kept getting precariously close to his laptop and the edge of the table. “Q?” asked Moneypenny as his coffee got once again nudged slightly closer to the edge of the table. “Yes, Moneypenny,” he replied testily.  
“What are you actually doing on that laptop because you haven’t actually spoken since we got here except to order coffee and I’m bored.”  
Q tutted.  
“Did you just tutt at me, Quartermaster?”  
Q looked pointedly at his laptop.  
“If you don’t talk to me I’m leaving and you don’t have permission to be here alone and unarmed.”  
Q spoke for the first time, “what makes you think I’m unarmed?”  
Moneypenny looked surprised. “Well, you’re the quartermaster.”  
He raised an eyebrow. “Surely that makes me being armed more likely?”  
Moneypenny smiled. “So you are armed.”  
Q suddenly looked shifty again. “Well, not as such.”  
“Meaning?”  
“My laptop is protection enough.”  
“What if I drop it?”  
“Well then it would cease to function.”  
“Whereas my three guns-”  
“I only equipped you with one!”  
“My three guns,” she continued regardless, “do not ‘cease to function’ so easily. You require my protection.”  
Q scoffed. “I do not!”  
“I’m not saying you couldn’t protect yourself with that, but sometimes, as you said to Bond, a trigger needs to be pulled. And I’m the trigger puller in this situation.”  
Q frowned. “You were listening in on that conversation.”  
“You had an ear bud.”  
“I deactivated it.”  
“You had a bug.”  
He turned to her sharply, “you bugged me!”  
However Moneypenny’s response was cut off by another female voice. “You’re not that difficult to bug.” A frizzy haired woman with her hair in a high ponytail slipped into the seat opposite Q. “Pleasure to meet you,” she said, smiling as she saw how she’d startled Q. “I’m your bugger. That sounded better in my head. I’m the coffee bean girl. I’ll have a hot chocolate, please,” she directed this last bit at the waitress who had just come over. Then she turned back to Q. “I’m guessing you’re the quartermaster?” she left a pause for him to confirm or deny it but when he said nothing she turned to Moneypenny. “Not very talkative, is he? Funny that. He seemed quite chatty on the mic.”  
“To be fair,” said Moneypenny drily, “You are doing very well at having a conversation on your own.  
The girl looked slightly chastened before saying quietly. “I’m Annie by the way.”  
Q looked at her steadily. “So, Annie. What does your criminal record look like?”  
“Not good?” she said slightly apologetically. The waitress brought over the hot chocolate. “Thank you.”  
“Okay,” said Q slowly, looking at his laptop. Then, half to himself, he asked, “How did you manage to get arrested twice in the same day?” She went to reply but he answered his own question. “First time was a house party, second time was drugs. Well no one can accuse you of not being creative.” He scrolled some more and Annie looked questioningly at Moneypenny who just shrugged in response. “So, Annie. What I’m really interested in is this. If you had to kit out a field agent, what would you give them?” He looked her in the eyes and saw that she was thinking about it. “Depends on the mission.”  
“Give me a generic tool that could be used for any mission.”  
She thought about it. “I could use the technology from the coffee beans to effectively bug all agents by putting a microphone in their buttons. Of course you’d still have to give them an earpiece so they could reply but it would be more subtle.” She looked at Q hopefully who was nodding along and typing on his laptop. “Any more?” he asked.  
She leant back in her chair and folded her arms. “I’m not going to give you all of my ideas so you can steal them. I might as well leave if you do that.”  
Q saw Moneypenny smile out of the corner of his eye but he kept his eyes on Annie’s and took his hands off his laptop to instead clasp them on the table. “MI6 doesn’t employ anyone with a criminal record,” he told her. He saw her face fall. “I-”  
“So it’s lucky you don’t have one.” She looked at him with a mixture of surprise and shock on her face. Moneypenny looked at him curiously. “I heard you say not five minutes ago that Annie has a criminal record.”  
“Well,” said Q pleasantly, “I think you’ll find that, if you check the police databases, no information exists on Annie apart from the fact that an officer visited her school when she was six. Therefore, there is no reason not to employ her.”  
“I could testify.”  
“Yes. You could stand in front of a courtroom and say you turned down a possible Q-Branch employee who could save dozens of agents’ lives a hundred times over with her technology and thinking but you turned her down because she used to have a criminal record. Or, alternatively, you could let it slide. What do you say, Moneypenny? You going to let me improve the chances of double-ohs surviving?” Moneypenny sighed and shrugged, knowing that she had been outwitted. She turned to Annie. “Welcome to MI6, Annie. When would it be convenient for you to start?”  
“Tomorrow?” she asked hopefully.  
Moneypenny looked at Q. “You do realise I have to do the paperwork for this?”  
Q shook his head. “It’s all electronic now. What you have to do is the e-paperwork.” He turned his laptop round so it faced Annie. “Just follow the onscreen instructions.” Then he turned to Moneypenny. “This might take a while. Another coffee while we wait?”  
Moneypenny rolled her eyes. “You’re paying.”  
“Of course. Waitress, one more coffee and an Earl Grey please.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Annie's name is a reference to the character in Being Human but isn't a ghost, if you were wondering. The names of Q-Branch characters will probably all be slightly nerdy references because why not! Also, if you have any ideas for characters, do comment and I'll see what I can do...  
> I love getting cookies and food but if that's not possible kudos and comments equate to almost the same thing <3


	4. Rory

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rory likes guns and code.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Apologies in advance for the length of this chapter! He just seemed to need more 'on screen time' than the other characters and I wanted Q to talk to some actual characters as well. It's also un-beta'd as always so the mistakes are all mine and I've probably overlooked them on my read-through.

Q recieved an email at 9 o’clock on Monday morning, just as he sat down with his fifth cup of tea in his favourite Q mug. The email said quite simply, “Check the bullets.” Q was confused for a number of reasons, primarily because the only people who had his email address were people in MI6 and this email had been sent from an internet cafe (did those even exist anymore?) from the email address peckpeckboom173@webmail.com. So who had sent it? And why? And which bullets were they referring to? Q asked R for her opinion but she shrugged him off, telling him she was busy and to leave it in her inbox and she would look at it later. Since Q could not see any obvious terrorist threat and since he had a lot of other things to do (Q-Branch was still hopelessly understaffed by people who actually knew what they were doing), he let it be.

At 5 o’clock that afternoon, someone started shooting at the MI6 building. The reaction was to be expected: evacuation of the building through emergency exits, armed police warning the shooter and so on. The gunman put his gun down and put his hands on his head. He was swiftly arrested but as he was pulled away he shouted, “Check the bullets!” Someone filmed the incident and R stumbled upon it. She immediately went to Q. “There’s something you need to see,” she told him. She showed him the video and he was immediately on the phone to forensics who were gathering up the bullets. “Hello, this is the quartermaster of MI6. I want the bullets, or at least some of them. And the gun.” There was a pause as the other person spoke. “I don't think now is the time to assert yourself since I outrank you and could probably delete you from existence.” Pause. “What I'd really appreciate is if you had a bag of bullets and the gun that shot them ready for me in 10 minutes when I come to collect them from the main entrance. Thanks!” He put the phone down before the officer could say anything else.

He left his office in Q-Branch and told R as he left, “I'm just going to pick up some bullets. Be right back.”  
She looked up at him as he passed but didn't say anything except, “no 004, I said the stairs to your left and then up. Not the window to your right and then down.” She was clearly in the middle of an operation.

He wandered purposefully through the MI6 building and at some point Moneypenny fell into step alongside him. “You're leaving remarkably early, Q. Got a date?”  
“Yeah. I'm going to see if I can figure out some bullets.”  
“Have you got a date with James Bond by any chance?”  
He chuckled wryly. “I'm not that unlucky, Moneypenny.”  
They got to the entrance where Moneypenny held the door for Q. “Thank you.” He saw that standing by the door was an unhappy looking police officer holding a bag of bullets and a gun. “See you, Moneypenny,” he said. “Enjoy your evening.”  
She smiled in return. “Oh I will. Enjoy your bullets.” Then she turned and walked off along the street. Q turned to the officer. “I'm guessing you're not the officer I spoke to on the phone?” He posed it as a question but he already knew the answer. The officer he had spoken to would want to prove their authority by delegating this minor task.  
“No. Are you the quartermaster?” she asked him.  
“Yes I am.”  
“Here are the bullets. We took them from different areas so there should be a range. Hope you find what you're looking for.” She handed the bag over and turned to walk away.  
“Thanks,” he told her. She gave him a smile over her shoulder and carried on walking.  
“Bullets,” he said to himself. “And comms for 007. What. A. Night.”

“Yes, Bond,” said Q, trying to concentrate on 007’s plight as well as the far more interesting bullets. “For heaven's sake he's wearing an eye patch how much more obvious does it get?” He examined the X-rays he had taken of some of the bullets whilst listening to Bond’s reply. “Of course he's in the room. Oh my gosh you literally just bumped into him.” There was a pause. “Of course it was that man with the eye patch!” Bond started to be able to function alone so Q looked closer at the bullets and saw that there seemed to be some sort of wiring inside. “Time to cut one open,” he said to himself.  
_“What was that?” ___he heard Bond’s voice through the earpiece.  
“Oh, sorry. I'm just talking to myself.  
_“Very useful, quartermaster,” ___was 007’s sarcastic reply.  
Q ignored Bond and took one of the bullets into his hand. It had been deformed during impact but he thought he could detect some sort of casing underneath. He prodded at it with a scalpel. “I wonder…”  
_“Talking to yourself again?” ___  
“I'm the only one intelligent enough to understand my conversations.”  
_“Or you've got no friends.” ___  
Q glanced at the screen to see what James was doing. “Just a side note. You’ve got three of Eyepatch’s bodyguards coming your way from behind. I think they found his body.”  
_“You think?” ___asked Bond sarcastically whilst checking his surroundings. In the end he decided to move a bit further down the corridor so that he would have the advantage. “Three metres...two…one...now.” Three muffled shots came through Q’s earpiece. “Down the stairs there's a car, oh wait you're just going to go through someone's room and jump from their balcony. I don't have anything. You know your way around. Enjoy Paris!”  
Q took his eyes off the screen and looked back to the bullets. Suddenly he saw what they were. He chuckled to himself. “You're hired.”  
_“Talking to yourself again, Q. Maybe you need a psychiatrist.” ___  
“Says the man who didn't pass his psychological evaluation.”  
_“That was top secret.” ___  
“I own top secret. Now keep running and let me talk to myself in peace.”  
_“Yes sir,” ___came the sarcastic response.  
Q looked back to his bullets. And then he looked at the gun. He disassembled it and laid it out before him. He knew there was something he was missing. He reassembled the gun but this time it came together as a remote control, the sort you get with remote control card but with more buttons. He smiled to himself then jumped as Bond’s urgent voice came in his ear. “Not to inconvenience you, quartermaster, but I need a way out.” Q put down the gun/remote control and put his fingers in his keyboard. “Location?” _“Warehouse on the banks of-” ___  
“Got it. You need to get onto the roof. I know how much you love it. It touches the edge of a housing estate and you can get down the scaffolding into a nice street.”  
_“Gotcha.”_  
Q picked up the control and pressed a button. Nothing happened. He tried another one. This time one of the bullets sprouted legs and crawled depending on how he moved the joystick. “It's like a bullet mechanical spider,” he murmured. He got it to crawl around a bit and saw on the control what seemed to be ports for cables and a pull out memory stick. He took the flash drive and put it into an isolated laptop. The file that opened showed hundreds of documents with names like _Spider bot code_ and _Assembling the escape pod code_. Upon opening these files he found the lines of code indicated by the title. They were exactly what an agent could use to spy on a target, or escape from a situation, or any other function, all cleverly hidden as microbots inside the bullets. Whoever designed them was very intelligent. Not intelligent enough to avoid shooting at MI6, but they certainly knew how to code. However, as Q went to open his fifth file, a pop-up prevented him from doing so. It showed photo of the man arrested earlier with the text: get me out of here. After he closed the pop-up, all the files had been deleted from the memory stick and a virus was there instead which, by the looks of things, was giving him ten seconds to shut down this laptop before it would short circuit in such a way that the whole thing would explode. The designer certainly had a thing for guns and explosions. _“You talking about me, Q?” ___he heard the voice in his ear comment on the comment obviously not made silently.  
“No actually, Bond. I found somewhere else with your love of drama.”  
_“Who?” ___  
"Do I detect a hint of jealousy in your voice, Bond?"  
_"I don't know the meaning of the word. Tell me who it is." ___  
“Someone I’m about to recruit to Q-Branch.”  
_“A love of bombs doesn’t sound like your scene, Q.” __  
“No. But it has to be someone’s.”_

He decided that before releasing the shooter, he would have to find out everything about him. And the quartermaster didn’t do things by halves. By the end of the night, Q knew everything there was to know about Rory Williams, the criminal with a very short criminal record. It seemed that this was his first major offense, the only other offense being shoplifting a few times. This guy was only a criminal for attention. Q had a difficult decision. So he called Moneypenny.

\---

“Hello, Rory. In Q-Branch, we leave most of the shooting to the agents. Are you okay with that?”  
Rory smiled on the other pane of glass. “I needed a big entrance. I can’t hack computers on your level or R’s, and I don’t have the subtlety of Annie so I demonstrated my newest model instead.”  
“Okay. M agreed to overlook your criminal record because we need your technology, but try not to make such a scene again. You’ll need a new identity and we thought it easiest for your sake just to change your surname. If you’re okay with that, sign here and I’ll introduce you.”  
Rory signed the documents and looked up at Q.  
“Welcome to Q-Branch, Rory Pond. Looking forward to working with you.” And with that Q took the documents and left.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well done for getting through it all! I really wanted some James Bond/Q interaction although I'm trying to avoid focusing on their relationship too much... I'm trying to post semi-regularly about once a week/every Sunday but I won't post next Sunday because I am voyaging to Germany and I won't have my laptop which I type these things on. If you enjoy though, please leave comments-I love hearing what you think!
> 
> The email address is a reference to the joke: What goes peck peck boom?  
> ...  
> A chicken in a minefield.
> 
> Rory's name (but not nature) is based on the Rory in Doctor Who.


	5. Moss

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> How do people keep getting Q's email address? It is meant to be private you know!
> 
> A gaming site invite Q to play via an email no one outside MI6 should have.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is for RavenOceana who wanted some Moss action. Hope you enjoy it!
> 
> Because it has Moss from the IT Crowd in it, there are quite a few references BUT it should still make sense for the most part if you haven't watched it. And if you haven't watched it you should because it's really funny.
> 
> As always, unbeta'd so all mistakes are my own etc. etc. Do tell me if there are any mistakes and I'll correct them!

Q got another email from an unknown address. He would look into his security but that was pointless seeing as he’d designed it and knew it to be impeccable, unhackable and completely under his control. So how had a random gaming site sent him this invitation to play online Jenga with “MilkKickAssMoss”. When designing his email system, Q had decided that he did not need a spam folder for the simple reason that _no one outside MI6 knew his email_. He looked around at Q-branch. No one seemed to be sniggering so as to indicate they had sent the email, nor did anyone seem to desperately need him, which left him free to research the gaming site. They seemed to be fairly normal and, from the fact that they only had one bank account and were making hardly any money in profit, he judged them not to be a criminal organisation. It seemed the email was sent to a randomly generated email address, but Q did not believe that something so coincidental could happen to MI6. So he looked into the player instead.

Q spent approximately an hour of his supposedly valuable time analysing the person who was the cause of this email. R checked in on him when he didn’t make a cup of tea at eleven but since there wasn’t anything on fire, virtually or in real life, she was sent away with a tutt and a shush. He was the head of Q-Branch, after all.

Q tracked the location of the player to a basement in a company office. It seemed Moss was part of the IT department who dealt with the frankly idiotic technological complaints of the company upstairs. Q did this within the first five minutes but then somehow convinced himself that he needed to check Moss out. Despite this man not being on any watch lists and not having done anything of note other than winning Countdown an impressive number, Q still felt that this email was somehow malevolent. He watched the company building and saw Moss exit at a normal time the day before on CCTV before watching him return to his flat without doing anything suspicious. He then watched virtually as Moss played online Jenga, which Q found indescribably fascinating. It seemed to be a design from Stark Industries and Q spent ages working out how a 3D game that relied on it being real had been turned into a computer game. Pure genius.

After not quite enough deliberation, Q accepted the request to play online Jenga. It was just such an impressive design for an online game. And, as previously noted, listening to agents on their missions was not the most enjoyable of pastimes. And tonight he was guiding 004 who definitely needed to learn some self control when it came to-Q shuddered at the thought. Sometimes agents could get too creative in all the wrong ways. He was glad he had a game to distract him.

R wanted to know what was going on after Q spent two days straight playing online Jenga. He started trying to explain what it was before realising that R didn’t want to know and would rather he actually worked on something rather than “playing stupid games over the Internet”. As a result of this, he took an afternoon off in which he created a system for recognising people over the Internet by their typing patterns before he carried on playing, this time it was four dimensional noughts and crosses which R decided to ignore rather than say anything.

When Moss eventually gave up playing at the end of the episode, Q didn’t want to see him go and so thought about employing him. After all, Moss knew something about computers _and_ Countdown. What was there not to like?

The thing that there was “not to like”, as he put it to R, was that Q obviously had a crush on this guy and she wasn’t going to have him filling positions in Q-branch with eye/mind candy for himself. That wasn’t fair on everyone else. So he sighed and moped and eventually Moneypenny came down and set him up on a date with a tech guy from MI5 who was close enough to Moss but so appallingly _unlike_ him that Q gave up and called it a day.

And that is the story of how Moss from IT almost went on a date with the head of Q-branch until Moneypenny tried turning Q off and on again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My chapters seem to be varying in length week to week so: do you find that annoying? Should they all be longer/shorter/somewhere in between? Please drop me a comment if you have any opinions. Also, kudos is good.
> 
> If you have any ideas/prompts I'll try and write them in. Even if it's just a character name it helps to have inspiration :)


	6. Irene

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Q gets bored so edits Bond into some clothing adverts. Irene is good at spotting things so gets a job. Also 005 makes an appearance on comms and turns out to be just as reliable as Bond.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Look I wrote more. I have now exhausted my original ideas but don't worry I have got more. Probably.

R noticed that Q often got bored. She didn’t understand how, considering the amount of work that they personally still had to do but nonetheless he got bored. She told him to design something new but he told her that there was nothing left. She responded with, “I don’t believe you,” and three hours later got given a mug that apparently doubled as a chainsaw. She put it in her desk to test out later because it looked like quite a good design but she didn’t want to admit that to him when he was in _this_ mood.  
“Try relaxing,” she said when he complained again of boredom. He looked at her startled and she couldn’t help but laugh at the fact that he found relaxing such a bad idea. “Why don’t you try out other people’s computer programs. You might get some ideas.” He looked thoughtful for a moment before leaving in the direction of his office. A few minutes later he returned with a cup of tea which was his way of saying thank you. He left the tea with her, made another for himself back in his office and got to work.

He spent a while looking through various programs before settling on photoshop. _I had a program like that_ , he thought to himself, _now where did I put it…_

Ten minutes later saw Q subtly trying to blend James Bond into different companies’ clothing adverts. A message from R read, _You do realise this is illegal. R._ He replied with a smiley face.

Q decided to put some of the adverts around London to see if anyone would notice. Perhaps it would be useful for Q-Branch to gain someone good at seeing the small things that meant something. So he put James Bond in a perfume advert peeking out of the bottle, in a shoe advert as the heel and behind the ear of a woman in an evening gown. Next, on the websites shown in the posters, he put more mini-Bonds holding pistols and winking. He also put a link that led to a page displaying a fake email address.

\---

Irene was on the tube when she thought she saw a mini person in a clothing advert. How odd. She noticed them again in a perfume advert and then in a shoe advert. They were all different companies and only one advert within that company. They also only appeared in the electronic adverts which meant they can’t have been part of the original advertising campaign. She memorised the website from the shoe advert and looked it up. It satisfied her to see how far whoever had done this had gone. The man in the advert was in the shoes advertised on the screens but no others. He now seemed to be holding a gun. Irene smiled to herself. _Please let this be the secret service offering me a job._ One of the small men had a link which led to an almost blank web page. All it said was emailmecv@cia.org on a black background and the man on the other pages in large winking at the side and holding a gun.

Irene looked at the address for a bit before she thought _oh whatever. It’s not like it could be any worse than my current job_ so she emailed the address her CV.

\---

Q received an email just 30 minutes after he had put the adverts up. It came from a woman called Irene Adler who had a questionable job but could certainly do this job. He emailed her back from his work email with a virtual pass into the building and a new identity and waited. In the meantime he was given control of a mission by R and told to guide 005 on comms. He grumbled a bit before seeing where 005 was and shouting into his microphone, “If you break every prototype of the new gun Q-Branch made you we’re sending you in next time with nothing but a first aid kit!”  
“Oh Q,” came back the purr of 005, “this is what we agents do.”  
Q buried his head in his hands as he heard her drop the gun in the river. “Why did you throw it away?”  
“It was empty.”  
He asked in a deliberately patronising voice, “do you understand that guns are reusable?”  
“I don’t have any suitable bullets left.”  
Q groaned. “You could still have brought it back.”  
“Oh stop complaining and give me a way out.”  
He looked at the screen and saw where she was. “How did you...oh never mind. Take the second left and follow the staircase-why are you asking for instructions if you’re just going to ignore them?”  
“I need other instructions.”  
“I think I need to build a device that forces agents to follow my instructions. If you get onto the roof you can get out.”  
“Oh good a door.”  
“What?” Q heard shooting. “Oh, I see. The door was locked so you shot at it.”  
“How long until someone finds me?”  
Q looked at his watch and then at the CCTV footage he had of the building. “I’d give you five minutes.”  
“Can you see a way out.”  
Q sighed. “There’s a motorbike just round the corner that you can easily hotwire.”  
“Thanks, Q.”  
“You’re welcome,” Q muttered begrudgingly. “Just don’t-” There was a gunshot as she killed the guard on the front gate.  
“Don’t what?”  
“Doesn’t matter. You’ve done it now.”  
“Okay, good.”  
“No,” came his muffled voice from where he had face planted the table. “Not good.”  
“There, there, quartermaster. One day you’ll learn that agents never do what you want.”  
And ten minutes later he was having to distract himself again since 005 had decided that now was the time to prove her point by seducing a target for information.

\---

Irene Adler walked into the MI6 building at 8:30am the next morning. She went up to the front desk and asked for Q-branch. The receptionist gave her directions and five minutes later she stood outside a hectic Q-branch. “Excuse me,” she asked a passing person. “Where is Q?”  
The person looked at her for a moment then said, “Q is over there trying to prevent Bond from letting a guy blow up the London Underground. You probably won’t get to talk to him until about lunch time so I’ll show you around. I’m Annie by the way. I design discreet comms and stuff like that. How about you?”  
Irene thought about it. “I’m Irene. I spot patterns. Does that count?”  
Annie shrugged. “I don’t make the decisions around here. Maybe you can help. See that board? That’s where the bomber has placed some of the bombs.”  
She went to continue but Irene cut her off by stepping up to the board and looking closely. “There,” she pointed. “There’s likely another bomb there...and there...and a detonation controller there.”  
“What makes you think it isn’t being remotely detonated.”  
“It is. But you can’t get any signal through those wall from anywhere safe so what you need is an in between point. The only place close enough is there. So either get your agent to convince the bomber not to set the bombs off or get there and turn it off.”  
Annie looked impressed. “Wow. You’re good.”  
“Thanks.”  
“Now, repeat that to Q.” She smiled before turning in Q’s direction and yelling, “Q, newbie’s solved the problem.”  
“I have a name,” Irene interjected.  
“Fire away, Irene," Q said, not moving from the screen showing Bond’s progress.  
“How do you-doesn’t matter. You need to get an agent to Euston Square station. There’s a signal booster there that the bomber will use to get his signal underground.”  
“Why can’t he detonate it without a booster?” he said without turning from the screen.  
“Not a good enough signal within a safe distance,”  
“What makes you think the bomber needs to be safe,” Q was just making sure now.  
“They’ve set all of this up. It’s taken ages. Whoever did this has a massive ego and their ego needs reassuring that it will all work. Get an agent to Euston Square station.”  
“Well done.” His next sentence was addressed to the agent in the field. “Bond? Euston Square station. You’re looking for a signal booster so a metaphorical needle in a haystack.”  
Bond replied with his usual dry sarcasm. “I’ll bring a magnet, shall I?”

\---

Later, when they had cleaned it all up, Irene got to meet Q. “Well done, Irene. Hope you like your new identity and we’ll try to integrate you as fast as possible.” He smiled and showed her a desk. “Here’s your desk. Keep up the good work and tell us if something seems wrong. You get paid last Thursday of the month.”  
“Thanks, quartermaster,” was her reply.  
He smiled at the use of the rarely used title. “Call me Q.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Irene Adler was originally based on the one in Sherlock but then she became more like Skye from Agents of SHIELD. Or she did in my head anyway. I have no control over these characters. They create themselves but I still have to write the story :)
> 
> Anyway, I'm rambling, please leave KUDOS and COMMENTS. I love comments. Definitely leave a comment :)


	7. Storm

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A parcel has arrived at MI6 addressed to Q-Branch. Someone has combined their knowledge of textiles and technology to create a fancy three piece suit with functions other than just looking good.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry this has been posted quite late. I kept wanting to add other bits! For this reason I haven't had a chance to properly read it through because I wanted to post it and it is as always un-beta'd so there might be a few mistakes (please comment if so!).

A parcel was delivered to Q-Branch. It had arrived that morning but was only handed over after the rigorous checks installed for Annie’s incident had checked it. For this reason, as well as the fact that she had nothing pressing to attend to, the parcel was handed over to her to examine.

Inside the parcel, nestled in the tissue paper, was an elegant three piece suit including a matching handkerchief in the breast pocket of the suit jacket. The x-rays showed something like wires as part of the material but nothing explosive or nothing that meant anything could be externally activated. Annie started by examining the waistcoat. It appeared that adjusting the buttons in a certain direction turned the whole waistcoat into a knife. Quite a sharp knife. Annie jumped back as it folded and changed. “Very clever,” she murmured to herself. “No one suspects your waistcoat to turn into a knife, after all. Could be awkward if someone brushes against you wrong though.”

Next she looked at the trousers. She fiddled with them for a bit but couldn’t see that they did anything. She would have put them aside but the x-ray showed wires. She decided to take a step back and analyse the problem. _What would I make a pair of trousers into?_ she thought to herself. She looked in the pocket and saw a detachable USB stick which she put into her laptop. Then she saw what the trousers did. _They monitor the agents vitals. That’s why the wires are concentrated around the waist._

The jacket was clever. The pocket handkerchief could be placed in or near locks to scan and create a key that would open the door. It was essentially a fancy, covert skeleton key. It was also water resistant so would work even if it was used as a tissue or to mop up small amounts of tea. This was found out as part of the experimenting, of course, and not because Annie spilt some tea on her desk and needed the hankie to mop it up. The main body of the jacket hand lots of hidden pockets, some of which required a fingerprint to be opened meaning that it was easier for agents to keep important documents safe.

She wrote the report and sent it to Q. He sent back an email a few minutes later asking her to track the creator. Now that was easy. They had put a virtual business card on the USB stick along with the other information but as well as this their designer label was sewn into all the clothing with an address. She was given permission to find them at the address but was told to take an agent with her. Since Moneypenny was no longer a field agent, she found her thrills in smaller covert missions that were not quite big enough to count as field work. So that is who Annie took.

Moneypenny drove too fast to the listed address. The name on the label was Storm. It was an obvious code name but Annie was used to code names from the shadier side of the technology business and then from working at an intelligence service. She tried to navigate for Moneypenny but it seemed her driver and bodyguard always knew a better route. They ended up, not at an abandoned warehouse as Annie had expected, but at a pleasant looking shop hidden down a shortcut between main shopping streets. Moneypenny parked badly and jumped out presumably to scout the building but Annie took her time, seeing that an attack was unlikely in this part of town where she did most of her shopping now that she could afford slightly more expensive goods from organic suppliers and the like.

Annie followed Moneypenny into the shop as she decided it was safe enough to enter. The young woman behind the counter looked up and smiled at them as they sounded the bell above the door before looking back down to continue whatever it was she was sewing. The shop was a sewing shop with some handmade clothes for sale as well as stacks of fabrics around the walls broken only by the ribbons, threads and needles also on display. Annie walked up to the counter. “Excuse me,” she asked the woman.  
The woman looked up. “How may I help?”  
“I’m looking for someone with the label ‘Storm’?”  
“That’s me. What did you need exactly?”  
“You sent us some prototypes.”  
She looked cautious. “You’re going to have to be specific.”  
“An elegant three piece suit which showed your knowledge of both textiles and technology.”  
“MI6?”  
Annie nodded.  
“Q-Branch.”  
“The very same.”  
“I’m glad you liked my design”  
Annie thought for a moment. “What else you got?”  
“Well,” she said holding up a black velvet dress, “this dress shoots small knives from the sleeves.”  
Annie looked shocked, and then impressed. “Is that illegal?”  
“Only if I get arrested?” She looked hopefully at Annie.  
Annie sighed. “Do you want a job in Q-Branch?”  
“Sure.”  
Annie looked at her skeptically. “‘Sure’? I’ll see what I can do. I can’t give you a job but I know someone who can.” She turned to go before realising she didn’t know this woman as anything beyond ‘Storm’. “What’s your name and how can we contact you?”  
She looked around for inspiration. “Ororo Munroe. I have a business card somewhere. She looked under the piles of fabric on the counter. “It was here somewhere…aha.” She handed over the business card which was in the name of Storm.  
“Thanks, Ororo. You’ll probably hear from us soon either way.” And with that she and Moneypenny left the shop and were soaked on the way to the car by the rain that had appeared from nowhere.

Moneypenny drove too fast on the way back as well.

Annie delivered her report to Q in person. “So she’s slightly illegal,” he said. “But then who isn’t? What was her number again?” Annie read out the number on the card as he dialled into a surprisingly old phone that wasn’t old enough to be called retro. “Hello is that,” he looked at the piece of paper in front of him where he’d made notes, “Ororo?”  
_“Who? Oh, me! Yes, it is. I presume this is Q?”_  
“Yes. I would like to offer you a job.”  
_“When do I start?”_  
“Monday.”  
_“I’ll need directions.”_  
“On their way.”  
_“Good. See you Monday.”_  
“See you then.” Q put down the phone before looking at Annie. “Get a sewing place sorted for Monday. You two can probably work together so maybe make it near your desk. Also, don’t forget you’re covering R’s comms for 004 this evening.”  
“Okay, Q,” she said. “But please could I be given access to 004’s mission files. You safeguarded them so I can’t get in.”  
“Yeah,” he told her but she could see he was immersed again in something on his screen. She would have to send him an email later. And what did he mean by a sewing corner? She decided to free a desk and leave it at that until Ororo got there. It wasn’t like Q noticed the people here anyway. She decided that what she really needed now was a cup of tea. Some people thought that the key to the security of the nation was nuclear missiles. They were wrong. The true key was to keep Q-Branch well and truly stocked up on tea. Especially Earl Grey.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! Kudos and comments are always welcome so please tell me what you enjoyed/didn't/want more of/want less of etc.
> 
> Storm is naturally based on Storm from X-men whose civilian name is Ororo Munroe.


	8. Alec

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alec Hardison is being protected by MI6 and Moneypenny doesn't want him so he's being offloaded onto Q who is being bribed with tea. Unfortunately Alec and Q don't get on.
> 
> Minor warning because it gets a bit angsty and Bond is triggered so warning for PTSD probably.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The prompt for the character is from PewterGreyWolf. Alec Hardison is from the TV show Leverage but since I haven't seen the show he's probably completely out of character! There is also a lot of development of other characters and Annie shows up for a bit.

Q went to make himself a cup of tea and when he got back, Moneypenny was leaning unhappily on his desk with a cheery looking man standing next to her. He looked at her expectantly from the doorway.  
“He’s my nephew.”  
“Why’s he in my office?”  
“He’s not my real nephew.”  
“That’s not an answer.”  
“He’s being protected for the US and the safest place is MI6.”  
“But Moneypenny,” said Q slowly, as if she didn’t understand, “my office.”  
“I know, darling,” she sighed. “But I don’t want him and you owe me.”  
The man interjected at this point. “Why don’t you want me, aunty?”  
Moneypenny shuddered.”I have a fear of family.”  
“Even fake family?”  
“It comes under ‘extended family’.”She turned back to Q. “He can also do computers and science stuff. And if you keep I’ll get you the really good loose leaf tea you like.”  
Q could feel himself giving in. “Fine,” he huffed. “What’s his name? I can’t just call him ‘boy’.”  
Moneypenny pushed herself off the desk and headed out. “Worked for me.”  
Q looked at ‘boy’ as he was apparently to be called, and started towards his chair. “Name?”  
“Alec Hardison.”  
“Don’t tell Bond,” Q muttered, looking towards his computer and beginning to type.  
“Pardon,” asked Alec.  
Q looked up from his computer as if he’d already forgotten that there was someone there. “Is that your real name? Because even if it isn’t, we’re going to have to change that before Bond hears about it. How about,” he paused to look at his screen, “Alan Thomas? Frank Brunner? Ice Man?”  
Alec looked slightly surprised before he managed to regain his composure. “You know what? I like the name Geoffrey Boothroyd.” He looked to Q to see his reaction.  
Q showed nothing but saw that someone had obviously done their research. And was good at hacking. “You still need to change your name before Bond’s debriefing.”  
“Nope.”  
Q didn’t move except to look directly at Alec who stood on the other side of the desk. “Have you read about James Bond, Mr Hardison?”  
He looked thoughtful for a moment. “I believe so. Didn’t he recently finish destroying Madrid?”  
Q looked at his computer and muttered, “I created those firewalls.”  
“I used Moneypenny’s computer. Also, I bumped into your agent this morning. We had a nice chat about the sights of Spain.”  
“How come he’s _my_ agent?”  
“Well he certainly doesn’t belong to MI6.”  
Q paused to consider this. Alec was probably right. “Did he tell you what he brought back?”  
“I think he showed me a SIM card?”  
Q didn’t bother to groan because it was just as he had expected. He looked at Alec again. Maybe he could deal with this imposter after all. “Do you want a cup of tea?”  
Alec made a face. “I don’t really drink tea.”  
Or maybe not.

\---

Rory was given Alec after lunch to show him some explosives and the shooting range. Q watched over the CCTV and phoned Moneypenny.  
“You have to tell me, Eve, am I keeping him? And for how long? You can’t just leave him with me.”  
_“But, Q, you know I dislike talking to people at work for long periods of time.”_  
“So do I,” he hissed into the microphone. “That’s why I live in the basement.”  
_“You only live there because that’s where they built Q-Branch.”_  
“Wrong, Moneypenny. Firstly, the reason they built it here was on my recommendation. Secondly, have you ever seen me at my flat? Exactly. So why are you forcing me to interact with another human?”  
_“I thought he might have some ideas.”_  
“But I have stuff to do.”  
_“He;s having fun with that other boy isn’t he?”_  
“But I need Rory to help me kit out some agents later. He created this amazing explosive which-”  
_“I don’t need to know, honey.”_  
Q spun in his chair. “How long do I have him?”  
He heard Moneypenny sigh. _“A week maybe? Perhaps less.”_  
“Fine,” he told her, disgruntled. “But that had better be fine tea.”  
_“I do I ever get you anything less than the best?”_  
“Of course not.” Q was smiling by the time he put the phone down. He would deal with anyone for a week if it meant fine tea from Moneypenny.  
\---  
“No, Alec, you can’t help me debrief an agent,” Q told him for what felt like the hundredth time as he gathered the equipment to later give to 007.  
“Can’t I watch? I’ll be really quiet, promise, you won’t even know I’m there.”  
“Well,” said Q turning to face him, “I’m certainly noticing you’re here now.”  
“Well I don’t have to be quiet yet, do I?”  
“I wonder where I put the sedative,” Q said to himself.  
“What was that?”  
“Nothing.” Q laid out the things he had been gathering on a table. “Rory!” he shouted. Rory came over from where he had been tinkering with something small and highly explosive on his desk near to a very worried looking Annie.  
“Yes, Q.”  
“Could you just confirm a few things with me about these explosives. Alec, go talk to Annie or something.” Annie waved from her desk and he slouched over to see that she was making listening bugs that looked like olives that could be hidden in cocktails right up until someone bit in. He pulled a chair up. “Those look good,” he told her.  
“I’m trying to make them more subtle. I would ideally like them to be as soft as real olives so that the chef could add them without noticing but I can’t decide on a material. I’m almost there.”  
“What else are you working on?”  
“Well,” she said, pulling her keyboard towards her, “Did you see Rory’s fancy belt?”  
Alec looked over and saw that Rory was indeed wearing a nice leather belt. “It looks good. What does it do?”  
“Well, Rory’s testing it for me. If we take a look at the screen it should…” she broke off as she started clicking and manipulating a computer program on her screen. “Do you want to make notes for me?” She asked him.  
“Sure.” Alec took the tablet she gave him and got ready to type. “I need to tamper a bit more with the antenna: the distance is still giving me problems. Let’s see if the camera works...yes it does! Put a big tick next to that. Now I wonder if it will focus on anything. No? Come on, there we go. Can you see anything there, Alec?”  
Alec looked at the blurry image on her monitor. “It looks like...no not really. You need the image to be better. I can take a look at the belt if you want? Second opinion and all that.”  
“That’d be great. Let me just see though. If I adjust this and move the receiver slightly-” the image suddenly jumped into focus. They cheered loudly together and Q looked over suspiciously. “Sorry, Q,” Annie yelled over. “Just worked something out.” He looked back to his work and Annie looked back at Rory. “It’s still missing something. I think it’s the hardware though so I’ll get that belt off Rory as soon as he gets back. And tell him there is definitely no space for explosives.”  
\---  
James Bond was late, which Q had planned for. The fact he was only ten minutes late was a surprise, however, which Q had not anticipated. “Bond, you do realise that you are only ten minutes late.”  
“Oh really,” said the agent. “Would you have preferred I spend more time in a bar somewhere downtown?”  
Q pretended to think about it. “I really don’t know, Bond. Probably what I would have really liked is if you had brought me back a gift from Madrid. I mean, I hear something was left after you’d finished with it.”  
“Yes, there was something. And what sort of gift were you expecting dear quartermaster?”  
“Oh I don’t know,” said Q, looking mournfully at the gadgets he had carefully laid out, “Perhaps a gun that only responds to your hand print? Or a tie with a microphone in it?”  
007 withdrew the SIM that Alec had mentioned. “I have this?”  
Q beckoned him over and took the it off of him. “It’ll do. Now, this time I have new gadgets for you because I have this lingering hope that one day you’ll return something.”  
Alec decided that this was a good time to interrupt the flowing conversation with, “Hello, agent Bond. We met earlier. In Miss Moneypenny’s office. Do you remember?”  
Bond looked slightly put out but replied easily saying, “yes, I remember. You told me to visit that bar in Madrid. You never told me your name.”  
Q went to say something here but Alec interrupted again. “I’m Alec Hardison. Pleased to meet you.”  
He extended his hand to shake Bond’s but 007 had gone slightly pale and was looking quite angry. “Bond?”  
“Q, why didn’t he change his name?”  
“Because he has a death wish. He can deal with this one alone. I’m just watching.”  
“007,” said Alec. “You can’t just get angry every time someone mentions the name Alec. You’ve got to get over it. It happened ages ago.”  
“He was a very close friend.”  
“”I know,” he said gently, “but it was eleven years ago.”  
“I’m going to go get drunk.”  
“Now that,” said Alec, as Bond began to walk away, “is an example of a bad response.”  
Bond was getting closer to the exit and Q knew that it was his responsibility as quartermaster to stop him before he did anything too stupid. “Alec, back to Annie. R, she’s still on holiday isn’t she. Rory, get ready to debrief 004 for when she comes down in 20 minutes. Annie, same. Irene, keep watching. Storm, I need you on comms for me and watching.” He walked quickly after Bond and got Moneypenny on the phone. “Moneypenny, I have a Code 7, drunk.”  
_”Who triggered him?_  
“Your nephew.”  
_”I’ll intercept in the lobby.”_  
“I would advise the car park.”  
\---  
Q found Bond in his car and managed to stop him before he drove off. The agent received an offer of a psychiatrist but the stigma among agents prevented him from accepting. He agreed to come back to Q-Branch for his equipment without Moneypenny even moving from the shadows where she waited in case Q needed help but he was used to dealing with the agent and managed to get him back to Q-Branch just fine. Alec was moved to another facility the next day. And Q was very glad to have R back from her holiday, not least since she brought fudge to share with everyone. And best of all, Moneypenny may not have bought Q tea but she did buy him dinner from her favourite restaurant so that was almost as good. And everything was perfect until Bond decided to blow up Prague when suddenly everyone had jobs to do once again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wasn't expecting an emotional journey when I started this but something happened there. Anyway, hope you enjoyed it and feel free to post character prompts: I'll do my best to follow them!


	9. Trillian

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Trillian designs cars but her sexist boss thinks she is just there to make tea so she sends her designs to a contact in MI6.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm going to start with an apology. I'm SOOOOO sorry I didn't post on Sunday. Or Monday. But my laptop was playing up and wouldn't let me access the Internet. Please forgive me. In exchange for that I've written a fairly long chapter with as many Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy references as I could conceivably fit in. I'll point them out in the notes at the end. Also, if you haven't read/heard the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy do so. I love it, it's so good. Anyway, I hope you enjoy the chapter.

Trillian was working late, sketching designs for the car she was working on, drinking something that tasted almost, but not quite, entirely unlike tea. How had they managed to create a company computer system that had a personality (and a name) without being able to make a machine that could make a decent cup of tea.  
Trillian’s designs addressed the question: why should customers have to choose between heated seats and seats that turn into beds when she could fit them both in? She was a car designer and engineer. She was the one around here who fitted metaphorical square pegs in non-existent round holes. It was just a shame that her sexist boss would never agree to properly acknowledge her designs just in case they didn’t work. Instead, he chose the second rate designs of the men who worked with her. Most of them were alright, but none of them were willing enough to risk their job to stand up for her superior ability. If she ever wanted to get a design anywhere beyond the sketching stage, she had to slip it in with that of one of her male colleagues. And the rest of the time she was forced to make teas and make small talk with prospective buyers before they were introduced to the ‘important’ people. Trillian hated the fact that she was relegated like this. She knew she had the best designs but no one listened and her contract wouldn’t let her work anywhere else for another year.

One other person was working late tonight, adding final touches to his design. She immediately saw fifteen ways he could improve it but decided it would be more tactful to compliment his work. “I like the new seat functions you’ve done. By the way, could you do me a favour and hand this into the boss? He’s more likely to approve it if you hand it in.” She held out the memory stick with her designs on.  
“Sure.” Her colleague smiled at her. “I’ll make sure he gets it.”  
“Thanks.” There was nothing more to do tonight so she decided to head home.

The next day the best three designs were announced which would be pitched to the clients. Trillian was surprised to see that her design had made it but then she saw who the credited designer was. Not her. Ford Prefect. That was the name of the man she had given the memory stick to, wasn’t it? (She wasn’t that good at names.) After the announcement, she visited her boss in his office. “My design was the one with the dual purpose seats. I designed it, not Ford.”  
“He was the one who gave the memory stick to me. It had his name all over it. Are you saying he’s lying?”  
“Yes!”  
“If it was your design, why didn’t you submit it? Hm?”  
“You never look at anything I submit!” She was starting to get really angry with him.  
“I do look, dear, it’s just never any good.”  
“Well it obviously is!”  
“Please refrain from shouting, darling. I’m sure we can sort this out.” He called Ford into his office. “Mr Prefect, did you design the car with the dual purpose seats?”  
“I did, sir.”  
He turned back to Trillian. “There we have it, Trish. Mr Prefect designed the car.”  
“But-”  
“Now if you’d neaten up a bit, we’ve got some clients coming in twenty minutes. Thanks.”  
Trillian stormed out of the office. She needed to find someone who would appreciate her designs. Didn’t she have an old friend who worked for the government but was extremely well paid and not allowed to talk about her job? Time to get out the impressive designs and email them to her friend.

Moneypenny forwarded the email to Q. It was more his department after all. Q looked at the attachment labelled Heart of Gold that he had not yet opened, then back to the work he was doing and decided on balance that his work could wait. Attachments from Moneypenny were always worth the pain. Well, almost always. Sometimes. It wasn’t important. The point was that Moneypenny would be annoyed at him if he didn’t open her email and she was scarier than M by far.  
The email was a series of designs for a car. He read the email and saw that it was from a friend of hers who wanted appreciation. And by the looks of this car she deserved it. She had created technology which meant the car had amazing functions without having to compromise on weight, size or, most importantly, speed. Firstly, the body of the car could change colour at the push of a button and the same technology could change the number plate to avoid detection. Secondly, it shot heavy duty tranquilisers out of all sides including the roof, individually or all at once. It also had an ejection button programmed to a fingerprint which could eject any of the seats and the seats fold into a comfortable double bed with space underneath to store things. One of the things stored there which could be brought out by pressing a prominent red button was a med kit. Another button brought out a bottle of chilled champagne.  
When Q showed R the car, he pointed out that the only bad feature was the champagne. “It’s pointless. Why is there a bottle of champagne?”  
She replied with, “it is built for double-oh agents. It is there for the same reason that there is a double bed.”  
He looked at her questioningly and then with realisation. “Oohhh. It’s for…”  
“Exactly. Who designed it?” She nodded towards the car designs.  
“I don’t really know. Some old friend of Moneypenny’s.”  
“You haven’t looked them up?”  
“Um.” He looked at her guiltily. “I was too excited by the designs.”  
“Do you want me to do it?”  
“No that’s fine. Go and do your work.”  
She headed towards the door Q’s office but as she got there she told him, “by the way, 005 is here.”  
“Isn’t she yours?”  
“Not today. You told me you wanted me working on some programing with Ororo.” With that, she left.  
Q groaned. 005 was annoying and flirted with him which made him uncomfortable even though he had been told numerous times that she flirted with everyone. He locked his computer and stroked it as he left. “Until later, my beauties.”

Later saw Q completely worn from batting away 005. But now he had time to find Moneypenny’s mystery friend. He started by hacking Moneypenny’s email and Facebook. The email got him the name of the friend and Facebook told him the rest. He debated hacking her computer, realised he really wanted to and so did, and found that she had hundreds of car designs, mostly civilian but some like the one sent to Q. Q found himself in awe of whoever had done these designs so he decided that there was only one option-hire her. He had been told by the finance department that he couldn’t afford to have any more than eight people working in Q-Branch, but that still left him with two spaces. More if he found someone better and decided to fire someone already working there. But he doubted that would happen. He had chosen, albeit by way of heavy suggestion on the parts of everyone involved, the very best.  
He changed Trillian’s wallpaper to a job offer. She sent him an email accepting so long as he could get her out of her current contract. It was lucky everything these days was computerised. Moneypenny sent him an email asking him why he’d hacked her email account. He told her it was to find out about Trillian. She replied with a photo of her giving him a look.

Trillian led the work on the car and was so proud when they finished that they had to let her give it a test spin. During the building of the car, she had added a way for Q to track anything the agent did in the car with bugs as well as a microcomputer which recalled the buttons pressed, the colour of the car and the number plate so the agent couldn’t lose HQ. She advised them not to tell the agent all of this. Q and Moneypenny watched Trillian zooming round the test ground just outside London with a smile on their faces. “Thank you, Moneypenny. She’s really good.”  
“Yep. I choose my friends well.” She looked at the car speeding towards them. “It’s her you should be thanking though. She’s got all these ideas and she hasn’t had a chance to share them. She needed this, and she’s doing pretty well with it.”  
Trillian got out of the car. “You talking about me, Eve?”  
“Always so paranoid Trillian. But yes. Just singing your praises to your new boss.”  
“That’s alright then.” She turned to Q. “What do you think? You going to give it a spin?”  
“I think I’ll leave it thanks. But I think you’re going to have to give us a lift home.”  
“Sure thing, boss. I promise I’ll drive slow.” She winked at Moneypenny who rolled her eyes.  
“In you get, Q. She says she’ll drive slow.”  
“I’m just going to pretend I missed your exchange there,” he muttered as he got in. “And Trillian?”  
“Yes boss?”  
“Call me Q. Everyone else does.”  
“Yes, bo- yes, Q. Q for quartermaster right?”  
“Well you certainly did your research.”  
“Yup.” And she looked to the front so she could drive.  
Trillian didn’t go slow. It wasn’t her style. Especially when she had an infinite number of improbabilities ahead of her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! I hope you enjoyed it despite it being so late.
> 
> Right, Hitchhiker's Guide references: ***WARNING: SPOILERS FOR HITCHHIKERS GUIDE TO THE GALAXY***
> 
> 1\. Trillian-runs away with Zaphod Beeblebrox because he has a spaceship and is interesting  
> 2\. "something that tasted almost, but not quite, entirely unlike tea"-the stuff made by the Nutrimatic Drinks Dispenser  
> 3\. "computer system that had a personality (and a name)"-it's called Eddie. And it's really happy.  
> 4\. Ford Prefect-the alien from Betelgeuse Seven who rescues Arthur from Earth. Double pun since he is named after a car...  
> 5\. Heart of Gold-the ship stolen by Zaphod Beeblebrox which brings us to  
> 6\. "infinite number of improbabilities"-the Heart of Gold ship contains the infinite improbability drive which is the fastest way of travelling


	10. Mission

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The team try out their equipment on Bond as he goes on a mission.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Last chapter! It doesn't have any new characters but everyone who has been introduced is here. And I've posted this chapter on Sunday like I said I would! Enjoy this last chapter!

Q decided to let Bond test the equipment. He didn’t deserve it what with never returning his equipment but it was easiest to see how everything went together to give him everything at once. Even Bond himself had been surprised by the generosity. “I get it all?” he had asked incredulously.  
“Yup. Do you know what it all does?”  
“Gun has a button which loads a bullet to fire an electromagnetic pulse-”  
“Do you know what that does?”  
“Something with electronics?”  
“We’ll tell you when to use it.”  
“Ok. It also shoots real bullets, right?”  
“Yes, and we’ve also kept the palm print recognition.”  
“Good.”  
“It is rather. What can the car do?”  
Bond smiled evilly. “Everything. Did you design it?”  
Q rolled his eyes before calling Trillian up from her desk. “Show 007 what the car does. But don’t actually do anything,” he added hastily.  
“Yes, Q.” She guided Bond towards the car and pointed out the buttons whilst naming the features. “Panel to change the colour of the car; button to change the number plate; section to control heavy duty tranquilisers that can go any direction; ejection buttons, fingerprint controlled;” Bond was nodding approvingly by this point, “red button is med kit which activates a link to us to guide you; button for champagne;” Bond laughed at this, “and finally if you push the seats like so,” she demonstrated, “voila! Double bed.”

For a moment it seemed the agent was speechless. Then he said, “keep this one, Q. I like her and I love the car.”  
“You better take care of it,” came Trillian’s voice from behind him.  
Q smiled and looked Bond in the eye whilst addressing Trillian. “Hopefully he’ll pay more attention to you than he does to me.”  
007 stroked the car. “I’ll do my best.”

“Clothes next,” Q said, dragging Bond back to the present.  
“Since when do I get clothes from Q-Branch?”  
“Since now. Don’t worry, it’s a very handsome three piece suit.”  
“Oh I’m glad,” Bond replied sarcastically.

It was a very handsome three piece suit that happened to measure vitals and unlock doors. “We were going to have it so that the waistcoat turned into a knife,” Q told Bond. “But the buttons were too sensitive and kept stabbing the mannequin.”  
“So you do care about me,” muttered Bond. “How touching.”  
“Try it on for size. I mean, obviously it’s a perfect fit but we have to check. You can change in my office. Storm!”

Storm came over and, once Bond had changed, showed him how everything worked. It fitted perfectly, of course. It had happened under Q’s instruction and Q had hacked the store where Bond bought his suits, which had his measurements stored confidentially on a remote server.  
“I’m missing a tie. Is that deliberate because if it is I looks bad without my tie.”

Annie ran up at this point. “Sorry, Agent Bond. I just had to add some finishing touches. There are some wires in their which are a microphone so we can hear you. Also there’s a camera.” She handed Bond the bow tie which he looked at suspiciously before tying around his neck. “So not only are _you_ new, dear quartermaster, but all your….minions are too.”  
“Hm. That’s a good name for them. Yes, they are new. Annie and Rory designed your gun, Ororo did the suit, Annie also did the bow tie, Trillian designed the car, R you’ve met, she does lots of stuff, and Irene troubleshoots and spots things that we mere mortals miss.”  
“Well, they don’t look impressive but they certainly sound it.”  
“I wouldn’t risk insulting them you’re using their equipment.”  
“But it’s harmless.”  
Q raised an eyebrow.  
“Ok. You’re dangerous pyjama man. Now can I have an earpiece.”  
Q handed him an earpiece and as Bond started to walk away said “Be careful, and more importantly, bring back everything I gave you.”  
“Does that include the bullets?” Bond threw back over his shoulder.

Q sighed and brought Bond up on his screen. He was pleased to see that everything was there, from Bond’s vitals to his voice to the colour of his car. “Gotcha, Bond,” he said as 007 pulled his car out onto the street. “Carry on to the party.”  
“I know what I’m doing, dear.”  
“I know. Just thought you may have been overwhelmed with the car.”  
“It’s a beautiful car.”  
“I know,” Trillian shouted across the room.  
“Trillian is very proud of it so don’t break it.”  
“I’m only going across London.”  
“That’s what worries me. The Thames is still digesting the previous car you drove in there.”

It didn’t take long for 007 to get to his destination. He could have taken the tube but when it had been suggested the double-oh agents had given M such a death stare that it hadn’t been brought up again. The party was only just starting when Bond sidled in. Q had Irene watching the feed from Bond’s tie which was surprisingly good quality but not good enough. “Q,” Irene caught his attention. “They have cameras inside. Can you get me the feed so I can see something meaningful because all I’m seeing is chests.”  
“Yes, Irene. Give me a sec.” He tapped at his console and a moment later she had clear visuals of everyone albeit from above.  
“I found something weird” she said a moment later.  
“What is it?” Q asked.  
“For some reason all the women are wearing bracelets on their left wrists.”  
“What’s weird about that?”  
“None of them are wearing anything on their right wrist, it’s always one bracelet, and all of them are wearing one.”

Q turned back to his console. “Bond, are there any women wearing any jewelery on their right wrist?”  
Bond looked around discreetly. “Not that I can see.” He sounded puzzled. “Why?”  
“It seems that all the women are wearing one and only one bracelet just on their left wrist.”  
“How odd.”  
“Yes.”  
“What’s also odd is that the men are wearing rings on their left little finger.”

“R,” Q shouted across the room. “Can you find any groups where the women wear bracelet on their left wrist and the men wear rings on their left little finger?”  
“Sure, Q.” Then a moment later, “Don’t let Bond touch the jewelery.”  
“Ok. Bond, you hear that? Don’t touch the jewelery.” He turned back to R. “May I ask why?”  
“Still working that out.” She was scanning through files on her computer. “There’s a lot of mythology...poison...tracking...something about implants?...Just don’t do anything yet.”  
“Too late,” Q told her. “He’s hooked up with one of the women.”  
“And by hooked up you mean…”  
“Yup.”  
“Do you think he realises that the med kit was optional?”  
“Nope.”  
“Thought so.” Then a few moments later she exclaimed. “Electrocution!”  
“What?”  
“That’s what the jewelery does. Electrocutes people.”  
“Well at least we know. Bond, if you can hear me, the bracelet on that woman will electrocute you if you touch it. Just so you know.”  
“There’s something else.”  
“There always is. What is it?”  
R was looking at her screen trying to work out what it meant. “Anyone speak Russian?”  
“Yup,” Rory was at her shoulder all of a sudden. “I like languages but not as much as guns.”  
“Didn’t think to mention it before now?”  
“I thought you’d seen it when you hacked my past.”  
“Good point. What does it say?”  
“Erm. Communications? They’re communicators. And that bit says…”  
“What!” R almost shouted. She didn’t like being this close to information and not understanding it. Unfortunately no computerised translator was good enough yet for this kind of accuracy otherwise she would use that.  
“The jewelery is like an antenna. It receives communications that are broadcast over a certain area. It then gets transmitted locally to another device.”  
“Okay. So if I hack it we can see what they’re saying?”  
“Sounds good.”

It took R two minutes to hack the communications networks in which time Bond had managed to be chased out of the room he was in with the woman who he had just ‘hooked up’ with by about four men trying to electrocute him with their rings.

Rory was trying to translate the Russian into English for the rest of the team and Annie was trying to guide 004 through Rabat. (“Try not to destroy all of Morocco’s landmarks at once”)

All in all it was a wonder that no one died that day except a few of the men chasing Bond who managed to electrocute each other under his guidance and the woman 007 left behind. But those were minor plot points. Q counted the mission as a success because Bond survived, for Trillian it was because of the survival of her car, for Storm it was the success of the suit which had unlocked quite a few secret doors and uncovered the cult that lurked behind them. Rory was pleased to have showed off his Russian and Annie had kept 004 alive.

To celebrate, they played a team strategy game which was played using Q-Branch in conjunction with the Internet to compete for different cities with Irene acting as judge. R’s team of of Rory and Ororo narrowly beat Q’s team of Trillian and Annie by taking over 10 Downing Street at the last minute which led to the collapse of Q’s area.

Bond returned home to a note from Q which read _Keep the suit. It is tailor made for you and it suits you._ Bond smiled and tucked the note somewhere safe. Maybe next week he would ask Q for drinks. And maybe Q would say yes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I couldn't resist putting some 00Q in there at the end. sorrynotsorry ;)  
> This is the end of this work because I was running out of ideas and also 10 is a nice round number.  
> I have a JackDaniels (Agent Carter) oneshot I'm working on so keep an eye out for that if that's what you like and I'll probably write more James Bond fanfiction when I rewatch it.  
> Please comment if you enjoyed this and leave kudos also.


End file.
